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Mark Marino

Is Google Making Us Stupid? - Magazine - The Atlantic - Nicholas Carr - 11 views

  • tinkering with my brain, remapping the neural circuitry, reprogramming the memory.
    • bamk340
       
      I like his use of metaphor in this sentence, comparing his brain with the computer.
  • Now I zip along the surface like a guy on a Jet Ski.
    • bamk340
       
      similie, very vivid!
  • “bounce”
    • bamk340
       
      use of slang, fitting when talking about contemporary culture.
  • ...50 more annotations...
  • The human brain is just an outdated computer that needs a faster processor and a bigger hard drive.
    • bamk340
       
      carrying through with this computer-brain metaphor
  • . Now my concentration often starts to drift after two or three pages.
    • Scott Prentice
       
      This is exactly how I have been starting to feel because after years of browsing the internet. He hit the nail right on the head.
  • Still, their easy assumption that we’d all “be better off” if our brains were supplemented, or even replaced, by an artificial intelligence is unsettling. It suggests a belief that intelligence is the output of a mechanical process, a series of discrete steps that can be isolated, measured, and optimized
    • Scott Prentice
       
      The problem with this assumption is that the author assumes it is within Page and Brin's agenda to formulate ideas and decisions for us. He states that it is a possibility that they would like to replace our our minds with artificial intelligence.
  • Just as there’s a tendency to glorify technological progress, there’s a countertendency to expect the worst of every new tool or machine.
    • Scott Prentice
       
      This is what my initial thought of what this article was going to be about; just another person problematizing a situation.
    • morgan macbride
       
      This is especially true but I dont think we are expecting the worst of this new technology, I just think we are understanding the possible negative implications it can have on our everyday life
  • He feared that, as people came to rely on the written word as a substitute for the knowledge they used to carry inside their heads, they would, in the words of one of the dialogue’s characters, “cease to exercise their memory and become forgetful.”
    • Scott Prentice
       
      This is a very interesting factoid.
  • I’m not the only one. When I mention my troubles with reading to friends and acquaintances—literary types, most of them—many say they’re having similar experiences.
    • Scott Prentice
       
      Again, this is similar to how I feel and how my friends appear to act sometimes. It is something that I've felt but I've just never been again to put my finger on it.
  • we may well be reading more today than we did in the 1970s or 1980s, when television was our medium of choice
    • Scott Prentice
       
      I'm sure the same issue arose during the popularization of television and its tendency to push individuals away from literacy.
  • Even a blog post of more than three or four paragraphs is too much to absorb. I skim it.”
    • Scott Prentice
       
      After speaking to a friend about how websites and the content within are formed, it is supposedly forbidden to write long paragraphs and such. Most content is writen in the form of bullent point and short paragraphs that are written to get directly to the point.
  • As the late MIT computer scientist Joseph Weizenbaum  observed in his 1976 book, Computer Power and Human Reason: From Judgment to Calculation, the conception of the world that emerged from the widespread use of timekeeping instruments “remains an impoverished version of the older one, for it rests on a rejection of those direct experiences that formed the basis for, and indeed constituted, the old reality.” In deciding when to eat, to work, to sleep, to rise, we stopped listening to our senses and started obeying the clock.
    • cdcrone
       
      There might be something to be said for "obeying the clock," though - the shift from "listening to our gut," to a more calculated and precise view of the world seems like it would be helpful in terms of scientific thought and progress.
  • The result is to scatter our attention and diffuse our concentration.
    • cdcrone
       
      Perhaps, though in any case, the desire for more knowledge is nothing new. One might argue that, to a certain extent, breath without depth can help people reach a fuller view of a particular subject, and then, if they need/want to, it is also easy to find those lengthier sources.
  • That’s the essence of Kubrick’s dark prophecy: as we come to rely on computers to mediate our understanding of the world, it is our own intelligence that flattens into artificial intelligence.
    • cdcrone
       
      Though the article brings up good points to think about, it is all canclled out for me with this over-dramatic statement. *sigh*
    • morgan macbride
       
      i believe its a little overdramatic too
  • As we are drained of our “inner repertory of dense cultural inheritance,” Foreman concluded, we risk turning into “‘pancake people’—spread wide and thin as we connect with that vast network of information accessed by the mere touch of a button.”
    • cdcrone
       
      Pancakes are tasty, yet dense, and can be healthy for you if you use the right ingredients and toppings. Who is to say that this new spreading out of culture is bad? Perhaps it is encouraging people to learn about things that they wouldn't have thought of before. The links out encourage new processes and connections to information previously unconnected. Especially at USC, where there is even a scholarship for those majoring in two seemingly unrelated disciplines at the same time, there is agreement that subjects previously thought to be unrelated can both be helped by a union of science and art. The Renaissance was full of those "pancake people," people striving to know and learn about the place they lived and how they thought about it. Do we think of the Renaissance as a time where people cast down depth of knowledge? The other side of the pancake is tempting indeed.
  • "Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave?”
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Imagery, classic film reference, and a poignant example of the fear of computers in the 21st century. Could you ask for a better opening line?
  • The deep reading that used to come naturally has become a struggle.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      I've definitely had this feeling too.
  • Reading, explains Wolf, is not an instinctive skill for human beings
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Very interesting hypothesis... I've wondered this myself when on page 700 of "War And Peace."
  • “You are right,” Nietzsche replied, “our writing equipment takes part in the forming of our thoughts.”
    • taylorcornelson
       
      As a student of architecture, I can see many parallels between this example and new computer-based architecture programs that are fundamentally changing the ways architects design.
  • “systematize everything”
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Exhilarating, yet terrifying.
  • The idea that our minds should operate as high-speed data-processing machines is not only built into the workings of the Internet, it is the network’s reigning business model as well.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      He raises an interesting point - but is this the way our minds were meant to work, and have other forms of media merely been restrictive in their relatively slow output of information?
  • HAL’s outpouring of feeling contrasts with the emotionlessness that characterizes the human figures in the film, who go about their business with an almost robotic efficiency.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      This is a great summation of the incredible eloquence of Kubrick's masterful film, a metaphor which operates very well in the context of this article.
  • It almost seems that they go online to avoid reading in the traditional sense.
    • Dongoh Kim
       
      This is very true. I was also feeling this way. People is trying to avoid reading in traditional way. They only want to absorb informations that are simple, easy, and fast. It was like they are getting lazy and lazy over time.
    • cdcrone
       
      like simple english wikipedia?
  • When we read online, she says, we tend to become “mere decoders of information.”
    • Dongoh Kim
       
      This "mere decoders of information" is so true! Since decoding information is to understand, break down, and interpret sets of communication and infromation in our brain clearly, reading online is trying to jump this process really fast.
  • It’s becoming our map and our clock, our printing press and our typewriter, our calculator and our telephone, and our radio and TV.
    • Dongoh Kim
       
      I cannot argue a single word in this sentence. Internet and computer is not becoming, it is our part of life.
  • “Dave, my mind is going,” HAL says, forlornly. “I can feel it. I can feel it.”
    • tommyalexander
       
      powerful use of quotes from the film - causes an association with the feeling you get when watching the scene
  • The Web has been a godsend to me as a writer. Research that once required days in the stacks or periodical rooms of libraries can now be done in minutes.
    • tommyalexander
       
      he acknowledges the good parts about the internet before beginning his main argument
  • The faster we surf across the Web—the more links we click and pages we view—the more opportunities Google and other companies gain to collect information about us and to feed us advertisements.
  • The last thing these companies want is to encourage leisurely reading or slow, concentrated thought. It’s in their economic interest to drive us to distraction.
    • morgan macbride
       
      very interesting concept
    • morgan macbride
       
      its all about marketing and not conveying any messages
  • As people’s minds become attuned to the crazy quilt of Internet media, traditional media have to adapt to the audience’s new expectations. Television programs add text crawls and pop-up ads, and magazines and newspapers shorten their articles, introduce capsule summaries, and crowd their pages with easy-to-browse info-snippets.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Imagery. It's like a domino effect...once we've become used to power browsing through the internet we expect the same thing from all other types of media.
  • “I now have almost totally lost the ability to read and absorb a longish article on the web or in print,
    • morgan macbride
       
      so many applications has shortened my attention span has dramatically shortened
  • But it’s a different kind of reading, and behind it lies a different kind of thinking—perhaps even a new sense of the self
    • glnnrivera
       
      The focus of online reading is drastically differnt from reading traditional text. Close-readings are not all too common--the prevalence of quick-reading reflects our obssession with immediate satisfaction. Personally, I find reading on the computer can be rather straining, so I do find myself skimming a lot to get through whatever I'm reading(without printing). I'm sure there are a lot of other reasons this is the case. But, as the author mentions, a new way of thinking comes derives from this reading method. The author suggests that we don't make the same deep connections reading online these days. Ths is presented as resding light and an unsettling direction which is even a threat to "self." Incorporating identity in the argument lends power to the article.
  • Sometime in 1882, Friedrich Nietzsche bought a typewriter
    • tommyalexander
       
      interesting start to the paragraph
  • And because they would be able to “receive a quantity of information without proper instruction,” they would “be thought very knowledgeable when they are for the most part quite ignorant.”
    • mkbusc
       
      This is a frightening idea that long ago they were worried that reading books would fill people with knowledge when they weren't knowledgeable. Now we face bigger problems because less people are reading because their focus has shifted to more unimportant issues.
  • Last year, Page told a convention of scientists that Google is “really trying to build artificial intelligence and to do it on a large scale.”
  • “Certainly if you had all the world’s information directly attached to your brain, or an artificial brain that was smarter than your brain, you’d be better off.”
  • For me, as for others, the Net is becoming a universal medium, the conduit for most of the information that flows through my eyes and ears and into my mind.
    • morgan macbride
       
      very true
  • Then again, the Net isn’t the alphabet, and although it may replace the printing press, it produces something altogether different. The kind of deep reading that a sequence of printed pages promotes is valuable not just for the knowledge we acquire from the author’s words but for the intellectual vibrations those words set off within our own minds.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Seeking out information on the internet or through books is different, not necessarily a matter of what is a better way of gaining knowledge. They are different processes altogether so our experiences will be different. We're not learning less from the internet, we're just learning in a different context.
  • Never has a communications system played so many roles in our lives—or exerted such broad influence over our thoughts—as the Internet does today.
    • morgan macbride
       
      this is especially true for me, there is no time in the day i am not checking my email, text, or facebook. They have become an interactive schedule planner that seem never to turn off
  • I think I know what’s going on.
  • "Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave?
  • malfunctioning machine
  • Over the pa
  • Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave
  • "Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave?”
  • brain
  • Nicholas Carr
  • The Atlantic Home Monday, September 12, 2011 Go Follow the Atlantic » Politics Business Entertainment International Technology National Life Magazine video Presented By Obama to Congress: Pass My Jobs Bill Immediately Julia Edwards 2012 Candidates as Active NFL Players Chris Good Why Perry Could Win on Social Security Matthew Dowd Presented by // // What if Americans Don't Want More Stimulus? Daniel Indiviglio America's Jobs Crisis in 17 Charts aut
  • "Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave?
  • g nearly been sent to
  • What the Internet is d
  • Making
  • supercomp
  •  
    "Never has a communications system played so many roles in our lives-or exerted such broad influence over our thoughts-as the Internet does today." This idea is extremely true in my life as I feel much of my communication is via text, facebook, or email. I at times almost finding myself losing touch with reality and physical contact and becoming complacent sending some non emotional or important information to a friend. The lack of physical communication can at times make me feel like a recluse. But at the same time, the easy and quick nature of this new technology almost makes it difficult to go back to the way things were
  • ...1 more comment...
  •  
    "Just as there's a tendency to glorify technological progress, there's a countertendency to expect the worst of every new tool or machine." This too is another really important point, the efficiency of the Net and other sources via the computer should not entirely take the place of reading of books and other sorts of literature that existed far before the Net. Much of what I read on the Net is useless chit chat that is merely for my entertainment. And the useful and thought provoking information on the Net is simply a copy of literature from a book or a law journal, it just is easier to access on my computer from my bed. In this regard, the Net is a great service, you just have to remember what information is useful and what information is not.
  •  
    The recurring theme that the Net is an extension allowing Google and other companies to feed us more advertisements and learn more about us is somewhat startling. The fact that every website and email we write can be tracked and looked at is a little invasive to say the least. In this sense, the Net's alluring attractions are also a trick to market us and use our information to exploit our monies.
  •  
    The focus of online reading is drastically different from traditional text. Close-readings are not as common--the prevalence of quick-reading reflects the obssession with immediate satisfaction. Personally, I find reading on the computer can be straining, so I do find myself skimming a lot just to get through whatever I'm reading(without printing). I'm sure there are a lot of other reasons this is the case.But, as the author brings up, we also think differently. The author suggests that we don't make the same deep connections in reading. This is presented as reading light and an unsettling direction.
Scott Prentice

The Weight of Reality - 0 views

  • They are taken out of their lives and given a chance to focus on losing weight and regaining their health, a luxury that most Americans cannot afford.
    • Scott Prentice
       
      good point
  • although I’ve been looking into whether or not weight loss TV shows can play a role in motivating people to lose weight, it might benefit me to see what else can inspire people
    • Scott Prentice
       
      Good spot to input your thoughts on motivating factors. It seemed like you were working up to this unknowingly from previous posts.
  • who doesn’t sweat
    • Scott Prentice
       
      hahah
Scott Prentice

Educational Problems among Different Ethnic Groups - 3 views

  • To fulfill your interests,
    • Scott Prentice
       
      awkward start...maybe you could change this a bit to make it a little more catchy
  • This is also the main reason why other “normal students”
    • Scott Prentice
       
      maybe you can say instead...students who fall into the norm
  • however, these facts must be integrated into creativity and critical thinking in order for students to actually use and contribute it into the real world. Just Memorizing is not even an education.
    • Scott Prentice
       
      good point
  • ...3 more annotations...
  • But I will not be like that.
    • Scott Prentice
       
      Maybe you can articulate this sentence more in a different way
  • exciting
  • First, his accent, inflection, intonation, and speech-sound are arranged in a slow and soft way generating a poetic diction.
    • Scott Prentice
       
      Maybe you can talk more about one of these in more detail and how it strengthens his writing
  •  
    "First of all, this blog looks boring. I was thinking why is he adding a picture of a pit crew in an education theme? Plus, the whole blog design is full of cluttering and is very difficult to navigate through or search for new things. HOWEVER!" This post has a great voice, that by the first few sentences, is clearly very conversational and informal. The use of questions replicate a real conversation where in you interact with the listener or reader. Then the dramatic use of HOWEVER shows expression and excitement. This in general makes the blog for me much easier to read as I don't have to be so serious and pay attention to every word. I like this voice for these reasons.
Scott Prentice

Celebrities: Our Walking Ads - 3 views

  • So browsing the past brought up a lot of "she did whats?!" that would make the avid gossipists look away with shame for my naivety. 
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      This sentence sounds as if it is part of the author's diary - this whole introductory paragraph reads almost as a diary entry, giving the readers a special insight into the author's thoughts. The descriptive language in this particular sentence evokes a very clear image, as I can almost see a group of gossiping women behind their trashy magazines, with a look of shock on their face.
  • watching the girls sitting in front of you in class surf perezhilton.com
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      So true.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      She is relatable. We have all been in a boring lecture thinking it will never end. Some people daydream and some check Perez. I have to admit I am one of those girls.
  • and you know what? I kinda like it.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      This is a good example of the author's voice, and the realtionship she is cultivating with her readers. By saying, "you know what?", it's as if she is telling us a secret, which in a way she is.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      Ok's causal and conservational writing it flows making it easier to read. I also agree with Lauren, Ok "you know what?" does make the reader feel like OK is letting you in on something.
  • ...7 more annotations...
  • Anne is playing mom here, cleaning up the mess that celebrities and their big mouths leave behind
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      This is a good comparison, and a strong way to characterize the blogger.
  • n't this what we're thinking anyway?  Seriously, wtf??  So Anne, thanks for pointing out the obvious because it needs to be done!  And also because it's fun to read
  • "she did whats?!" that would make the avid gossipists look away with shame at my naivety. 
  • , we realize that there are already ten people in your close vicinity with the same thing on.
    • Scott Prentice
       
      this is a funny/interesting observation
  • So, my recommendation to you, take The Superficial pill once in awhile, to prevent an overdose in gossip that will make you feel self conscious, or leave you wishing you lived a different life
    • Scott Prentice
       
      Maybe a few commas can be taken out in this sentence.
  • Real quick, I have to plug my own blog before you become aficionados of The Superficial and forget all about me: come here for a dose of celebrity lives from a different angle
    • Scott Prentice
       
      Good transition to close your post
  • Anne is like you and me: so called normal people.  I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a slew of paparazzi
    • Scott Prentice
       
      Good way to differentiate her from the other super popular bloggers, but doesn't every popular blogger end up getting nearly the attention as the celebs they gossip on once they build their fan base? Just a thought.
tommyalexander

The Weight of Reality: Trifecta - 1 views

  • When we drive down the street or go out to a restaurant, it is not hard to see why 64% of adults in America are overweight or obese
    • tommyalexander
       
      good imagery/intro to your topic
    • Dongoh Kim
       
      It shows a clear fact and attracts the audience by giving them a surprising issue.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like the link, it gives the reader additional information
  • (lets be serious, not everyone in this country can be a Victoria's Secret model)
    • tommyalexander
       
      like your use of voice here
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      Like the break and insight to you and your voice
  • America and the celebrities shown on television and in movies has lead to unhealthy eating habits in both men and women, including anorexia and bulimia. According to Teen magazine, 35% of girls 6 to 12 have been on at least one diet, and 50% to 70% of normal weight girls believe that they are overweight
    • tommyalexander
       
      Maybe change the first sentence to flow better into your use of the stat. You mention men and women but use a stat related to young girls. This is a shocking fact but maybe a stat about men with eating disorders would be equally shocking
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      The statistics are really helpful in proving your point
  • ...17 more annotations...
  • Many of these shows are drawing in large audiences
    • tommyalexander
       
      pun intended?
  • On the other hand, weight loss shows may be setting unrealistic expectations for others who may be trying to lose weight. The contestants on these shows are given trainers and nutritionists, and because they are on a show they have nothing to do except work out.
    • tommyalexander
       
      I like this transition to another perspective of this argument. It shows that you have thought a lot about the points you are trying to make
  • When young people were asked about their reasons for dieting, they cited the celebrities that they saw in television shows. Since this study the amount of advertisements for weight loss supplements, diet programs, and thin women on television has only increased.
  • (I’m as guilty as anyone in indulging in these reality TV shows),
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I really like when you connect back to the reader, especially since you have such a research dense topic
  • We make pledges to lose weight, to exercise, to eat healthy, but it is so much easier to go to the drive thru, to sit on the couch, and to avoid the scale.
  • Our meals are super sized, our population is becoming super sized, and now reality television is catching on to the trend.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like this comparison but maybe reword to help it flow better.
  • because even if you are not trying to lose weight, there are tips on ways to start exercising and eating better, areas I know a lot of us could use some help in.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      This makes me want to check out the blog. I think a major issue is that people extreme diet when all they need to do is change their diet to a healthy alternative
  • He created “The Money Diet,” and recorded all the foods he resisted buying, then calculated how much not buying junk food and fast food saved him.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I have always wanted to know what that would be!
  • (I’m usually in the drive thru with a serious craving for fries and a shake).
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like the insight into you and your thoughts. Helps the reader connect and know more about you.
  • And when you really think about it, wouldn’t you rather spend that money on a fabulous pair of shoes instead of that burger at In n’ Out?
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like how you ended on a question. I noticed that there were a few questions in your blog which is a great way to engage the reader and have them think about what you are saying
  • We are always hearing about how breakfast is the most important meal of the day, for everyone, regardless of size, and
    • tommyalexander
       
      Phrasing here could use some adjustments
  • pizzazz
    • tommyalexander
       
      nice
  • In the real world you have to be able to motivate yourself.
    • tommyalexander
       
      good point!
  • I stumbled upon a blog with another interesting take on what can motivate people to lose weight,
    • tommyalexander
       
      Maybe another word instead of "stumbled"? I like it, but you used it in your last post
  • Plus, money is usually a much better motivator than salad and the treadmill.
    • tommyalexander
       
      I really like the way you end a lot of your paragraphs. It lets your voice stand out and it gets the point across. Try to incorporate more of this voice into the body of your paragraphs
  • yet the waistline of our country seems to be growing every year.
    • tommyalexander
       
      Like this imagery - maybe take out "seems to be" because I think the waistline IS growing every year?
  • Eating healthy and exercising are hard habits to get into, and it can be discouraging to go to the gym and jump on the elliptical next to the gorgeous, perfectly toned girl who doesn’t sweat
    • tommyalexander
       
      haha nice imagery - I feel like many girls can relate to this?
Chelsea Hamill

Beauty Is No Longer Truth: The Trifecta! - 2 views

  • My mother is a registered nurse, and after 18 years as a stay-at-home mom, re- entered the world of medicine as the nurse to our plastic surgeon friend.
    • bamk340
       
      i like how you are giving us your background and also a sense of authority and your knowledge in the field
  • just as much cottage cheese
    • bamk340
       
      haha, very vivid metaphor
  • rediculous
    • bamk340
       
      just so you can take note of this
  • ...10 more annotations...
  • C’mon. Be Honest. You kinda love Heidi Montag. I mean, if nothing else you love to hate her. Frankly, I give her props. She has managed to stay in the spotlight for what, like 5 years now? (does anyone know why, exactly?) And just when she and good old Spencer begin to fade out of US Weekly…BAM! She’s on the cover of People, staring at you with her expressionless face (courtesy of unnecessary Botox) and breasts that are so unnaturally large they might pop out of the cover and stab you in the eyes.
    • bamk340
       
      i really like your voice here! i can see it in certain parts of the second post, but i feel that it's not too consistent.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      This is what I wanted from you. The diction and pop culture references make reading the blog fun and intriguing
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      Love the way this ends
  • it remains academic, giving only necessary information.
    • glnnrivera
       
      consider subbing "informative" in lieu of "academic." I think it is more fitting to what you are trying to convey.
  • I don’t think I have heard the word hooey since first grade, let alone from a grown man, but it is a bit refreshing
    • glnnrivera
       
      awesome insertion of you in here. Really get a feel for you tone with sentences like this one.
  • Just the other day he was called in for an “emergency liposuction”. Really? Emergency liposuction? I was not aware that needing to have your fat sucked out could be an emergency, but okay.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like that while you have had a more academic approach so far on the subject you are still able to have your own voice come through
  • gained a different perspective and insight to the cosmetic surgery practices. I have seen the “before” and “after” pictures of some AWT patients. They don’t look that different to me –
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like that you are adding in personal examples. I think your opinion matters, this is your blog, don't belittle your opinion. but you have a point that even if we don't see the change as long as the patient does that's the most important factor. I also like the metaphor
  • (let’s face it, I’ll probably have some procedure or treatment done in the next 10 years)
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like the honesty and the insight into your thoughts. I also like the connection to the readers
  • (Seriously? There is a book about this? Okay, I’ll put my personal opinions aside…for now)
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like that you take an academic approach to the blog profile. I also would like to see more of your voice, wich does come through at various parts of the blog
  • (as I’m sure you’ve begun to realize).
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I want more of your ideas throughout the blog, but maybe that's just me
  • . He uses informal language, and I enjoyed his blunt responses like “dumb”, “not needed", and "stupid".
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like your use of informal language
  • hooey”.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I don't know if I have ever heard the word hooey but you're right its fun
  •  
    Is Heidi Montag a Hero? Dr. Youn's Plastic Surgery Predictions for 2010 Part 1 Part 2 (proof that he does not only talk about celebrity figures) Santa Claus and Plastic Surgery? Octomom Had a Tummy Tuck (I'm Pretty Sure) (see hooey reference) you provided extra information about links for people to find out more which is good and helpful
Chelsea Hamill

State of The Pop Scene: Trifecta - 2 views

  • Sometimes music relaxes me. Sometimes it inspires. Sometime it gets my blood-pumping
    • bamk340
       
      I like your use of repetition, but maybe choose to either use "music" or "it", i think that'll emphasizes the idea more.
  • My blog will follow suit in this category—a focus on content above all.
    • bamk340
       
      doesn't seem to connect with the flow of the paragraph. maybe add a transition word here?
  • The sub-line of the “Pop Trash Addicts” title reads: “Oh no, you didn’t.” Well, oh yes, I did.
    • bamk340
       
      haha, this part's funny!
  • ...19 more annotations...
  • Besides being a pop fanatic, she has a love for "guilt pleasures, elephants, and all things aquamarine." Interesting.
    • bamk340
       
      i think you should have more of these choppy or one word sentences, it reveals more character and your voice.
  • swift
    • bamk340
       
      just point this out so you remember to fix this
  • al of her
    • bamk340
       
      so you can fix this too.
  • as if I am the privileged owner of a limited release DVD with BONUS special features.
    • bamk340
       
      i like these metaphors! makes the reader think and makes what you are saying more interesting.
  • Mel's voice is casual, honest, and creatively playful. If she were a singer instead of a blogger she would definitely be singing with melismas.
    • bamk340
       
      a good ending that connects with the beginning
  • jazz artists include John Coltrane, Brian Blade, Vincent Herring, Bill Evans, and Joshua Redman.
    • morgan macbride
       
      great list of jazz artists, i like how you juxtapose this list with that of a group of musicians from a completely different genre
    • morgan macbride
       
      great list of jazz artists, i like how you juxtapose this list with that of a group of musicians from a completely different genre
  • or plague, depending on the song
    • morgan macbride
       
      funny idea, maybe take out of parenthesis
  • urthermore, Mike displays a clear command of sarcasm and a witty sensibility which I appreciate very much.
    • morgan macbride
       
      i feel the sarcasm too, but maybe state why you feel it is sarcastic
  • (http://popdivalc.blogspot.com/2010/02/wgo-may-best-charity-single-win.html)
    • morgan macbride
       
      use the link feature so you dont have to see the entire web address
  • I play sax in a college big band (with a focus on modern jazz), lay down the sax/keys parts in a folk rock group (we are currently in the studio working on our next album), and have a solo project focusing on electronic/indie music.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      This is awesome and great information but reading it was a little difficult, maybe reword it to help the flow of it.
  • I have been exploring both the academic and creative sides of music on a daily basis. I am also working towards a Biology degree, for what it’s worth.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      This is great background, it tells a lot about how diverse of a person you are.
  • 1. Pay Attention!
  • You can see for yourself right here: Pop Trash. I
  • This blog,
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      Maybe his not this
  • musical discussion.
  • hroughout the posts relevant to the current
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      Also it might be a good idea to combine the discussion of the pink background and the description of the blog together.
  • She hails from Manhattan, New York.
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      I like hearing your opinion and your voice in your writing
  • It is just this whale-of-a comparison that is representative of Mel's creative way with words, which is on display in every one of her posts. I
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      Like the term whale-of-a comparison. Have some fun with your writing
  • feel like she is supplying a window into her mind,
    • Chelsea Hamill
       
      this is what you should add to your blog
  •  
    funny idea
Dongoh Kim

Celebrities: Our Walking Ads: Trifecta! - 3 views

  • (dear God, please give me 20 something year old legs when I’m forty, too)
    • bamk340
       
      i like these thought inserts, really shows your voice and character
    • mkbusc
       
      entirely agree. shows your casual humor, and what every other woman is also thinking
    • Dongoh Kim
       
      Very good pause here. It clearly shows humor and attracts the audience easily.
  • Gary Coleman
    • bamk340
       
      i think it's great that you randomly insert celebrity names/ talk about celebrities. this really fits with your voice and the point of your blog!
  • make mistakes, big mistakes.
    • bamk340
       
      would it emphasize mistakes more if you separate that into 2 sentences.
  • ...13 more annotations...
  • Bam! Here's
    • bamk340
       
      that's me! sorry, that wasn't a constructive comment.
  • Real quick, I have to plug my own blog before you become aficionados of The Superficial and forget all about me: come here for a dose of celebrity lives from a different angle.  I’m not here just to make fun of celebrities, but also to let you know how reading about them/being obsessed with them, is affecting the way you do things and the way you think.  But, when it comes to good ol' celeb bashing, The Superficial is there for me, and you.
    • bamk340
       
      i like how you connected the post back to your blog without directly stating it.
  • Nope, I’m definitely not a hater of celebrity gossip.
    • morgan macbride
       
      double negative can be tricky, maybe just stick to stating what you think instead of what not not you think if that makes any sense
  • it’s being a bit annoying with our incessant talk about the latest celeb news
    • morgan macbride
       
      dont quite understand this sentence
  • The Superficial
    • morgan macbride
       
      maybe continue to make this a link
  • It is so weird to look back at the older posts of bloggers who've been around for quite some time. I missed a lot of information in my pre-gossip life (have I mentioned that keeping up with the gossip of our times is a new venture for me??). So browsing the past brought up a lot of "she did whats?!" that would make the avid gossipists look away with shame at my naivety.  But I like to think that it gives me a fresh outlook on the news; none of the usual bias latched on to each person.  So how does one get started in this messy gossip business? It all starts with some innocent curiosity, a click of a link here or there, watching the girls sitting in front of you in class surf perezhilton.com
    • morgan macbride
       
      Great intro to a post, very funny
  • which is obvious
    • morgan macbride
       
      "which may be obvious to us"
  • too-perfect-to-be real-people
    • glnnrivera
       
      good string here
  • Talk about unhealthy
    • glnnrivera
       
      consider ommitting
  • not the scariest thing you’ve seen
    • glnnrivera
       
      link to picture? I have not seen it personally.
  • And also because it's fun to read :)
    • glnnrivera
       
      I think your second to last sentence is stronger to end on than your current last.
  •   I promise to be blunt and to be honest.  Hey, I’m already out of the closet with the most embarrassing secret: Hi I’m "Ok!", and I’m addicted to gossip blogs.
  • And it has also convinced me not to go out and do yoga with my boobs hanging out right after those surgeries in order to make money to pay for them.
Nicole Tam

Conscious Living - 0 views

shared by Nicole Tam on 09 Feb 10 - Cached
  • personal development
    • Nicole Tam
       
      It might be helpful to readers to be more specific.
  • “self-help” tape
  • introduced to a
    • Nicole Tam
       
      Link to or list which tape. People might be intrigued because they also listened to the same tape.
  • ...13 more annotations...
  • the things said
    • Nicole Tam
       
      Kind of awkward phrasing.
  • it was advice that I needed to hear directly from an influential and successful individual in order to truly take initiative in directing my life.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      I liked your personal anecdote. I think it relates to a lot of people who would be embarrassed to try a self help book or tape.
  • At this point, there are no specific topics that I’d like to blog about in regards to personal development
    • Nicole Tam
       
      Don't necessarily need this. Since its your hello world its ok to generally introduce the topic and leave the later posts to get into specifics.
  • will be can and will be used a
    • Nicole Tam
       
      reword
  • It is difficult to believe that these individuals we hold to such high regard would pay large sums of money for a product viewed as phony as the shaw-wow.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      Funny comparison
  • stevepavlina.com
    • Nicole Tam
       
      Link.
  • numerous topics
    • Nicole Tam
       
      list some to be more specific
  • self-improvement on various levels
    • Nicole Tam
       
      A little clarification might help. I'm not familiar with self-help so I don't know what these levels are.
  • orum you are can utilize if you choose, an RSS feed, and some really i
    • Nicole Tam
       
      The wording is a little confusing here
  • variety of topics to comment on in my blog in the future.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      It would still be useful to list some of these topics to give readers an idea of what you're interested in.
  • as thoughtfully written as Emily Dickenson might have.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      Interesting simile.
  • familiar Robert Frost issue of deciding which road to take.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      I like the idea of this sentence, but it could probably be worded in a way to make it stronger.
  • emphasis need s
    • Nicole Tam
       
      needed
Nicole Tam

Stained Glass Politics - 1 views

  • forceful finish
    • cdcrone
       
      Alliteration is Awesome
  • Such selective use allows the blogger to be emphatic without being in-your-face, so to speak
    • cdcrone
       
      I dont know about this claim...it seems to me from the passage above that it *is* "in-your-face;" forcing the issue that practices or views might be outdated by thousands of years seems like a pretty big issue.
  • self-mockery that suggests self-awareness
    • cdcrone
       
      The punctuation I agree seems partiularly important here.
  • ...15 more annotations...
  • Sarah Palin, sex abuse, Anglican exodus, gay marriage. Eighty percent of Americans view these explosive cultural touchstones through the prism of faith.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      I like the way you start with controversial topics. I think its a great way to reel readers in
  • This blog will examine the impact of religious belief on national political issues, and how faith informs the way different groups view each other and the wider world.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      It's nice that you lay out what your blog is about, but I don't necessarily think you need to say "this blog is..." because its a blog it might be nicer to just get into it.
  • Not so.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      I like that you made a general statement and then refuted it. I agreed with the first so you kept me on my toes.
  • We can talk about separation of church and state, but the separation of faith and politics is impossible.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      I like this sentence and I think this paragraph does a good job of driving the point home and giving readers a taste of what you might cover
  • Jay Anderson takes his faith seriously
    • Nicole Tam
       
      Good overview of who he is and what he writes, but it's a little dry.
  • Anderson crafts his voice primarily by linking to articles, quotations, and YouTube videos that affirm his point of view.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      You could link to one of the articles or youtube videos here to add content for your readers who are interested
  • e Cat
  • Liberals might deplore abortion personally, but still support a healthcare bill that provides coverage for it.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      Explain this more. Right now it sounds like too much of a generalization.
  • the way the American media portrays people of faith, namely those with strong and vocal opinions. 
    • Nicole Tam
       
      This could be an interesting point to talk more about.
  • instructive
  • instructive
  • instructive
  • instructive
  • Anglican Centrist,
    • Nicole Tam
       
      You might want to link to the actual posts.
  • He’s just chatting with us across the dining room table, bouncing big ideas off an imaginary audience.
    • Nicole Tam
       
      This sentence drives home the causal tone of the article you read, and also puts your readers at ease with you.
sunmeeholmes

The World Of Web 2.0: Trifecta Post - 2 views

  • “latest technology”
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      lots of quotes happening here...i don't think you need them for this term
  • towering beige computer with a dial-up modem,
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      oh yes, i remember those days :)
  • often involving hours of coding in darkened rooms by haggard programmers
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      good voice
  • ...7 more annotations...
  • autonomous intake of new content
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      maybe it's because i am totally not computer savvy, but i have no idea what this means
  • Over the course of the next fifteen weeks
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      It might be better to leave out a termination date...who knows, you might keep on writing after the class is done!
  • insightful
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Try a different word...it was just used the sentence before
  • Mr. Carr isn’t without his credentials, either
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Good way to introduce the stats
  • Like a game of Tetris gone wrong, each snippet of writing is unordered, full of chronological holes, and is utterly bewildering to the reader.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      nice
  • It’s a great question, and one that many bloggers still seem unable to answer.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      I don't think this sentence is necessary...I think you can go straight into the answer
  • I will hopefully
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      You did this in both your profile blogs...it's not bad, but give yourself some credit! Use less of the "I hopes" and more of the "I wills"
sunmeeholmes

Blueish Brain Matter: Trifecta - 0 views

  • The purpose of this blog, like many others, is to make its readers think
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Maybe, instead of writing out "the purpose of this blog is..." try writing it from your point of view: "I want to make you think and give you a new perspective..." something like that.
  • focusing on people in my age group (late teens to early 20s). I chose this age group, not only because I am a part of it,
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      "my age group" and "I am part of it" are a little repetitive...try to put these sentences together.
  • Besides that, I also think that people within that age range have had a unique experience with regard to spiritual and psychological issues.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Try to focus less on the age group and more on the spirituality
  • ...9 more annotations...
  • Instant messaging became text messaging, morphed into myspace, upgraded to facebook and has now reincarnated itself as twitter.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Really like this sentence
  • Being born in 1988,
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      You've mentioned a couple times what age you are and what age group you're in...I don't think you need to reiterate it here.
  • A lot of the blog will be dedicated to the music industry and how it is unfolding in this increasingly digital world.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      I'm a little confused on what the focus of your blog is...is it about spirituality, the digital revolution or the music industry? Maybe stick to one thing, or make sure that you tie each of those topics together.
  • especially since it is hosted by a website called beliefnet.com
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      i like that you explained why her blog is so popular
  • “Inspiration. Spirituality. Faith”
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      this isn't so relevant, the url explains what the website is about (p.s. link the url!)
  • psuedo-spiritual gibberish
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Good voice...use it more often!
  • I want my blog, like hers, to explore spiritual issues and how they directly influence people’s perceptions, decisions and actions, not just their thinking.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      I would tie this in with the digital revolution and music industry also...again, you need to re-emphasize how they link together
  • poetic rhythm built into them, forcing the reader to digest his words with a specific cadence.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      this is cool...it feels like you're talking about music...a great way to work with both your topics!
  • The first exclamation point forces a full-length (half-note) pause after the word India. The next sentence is then broken down by commas into two syllable phrases, roughly a quarter-note for each (with the exception of the word “beautiful” whose last two syllables kind of blend into one). This gives the sentence an almost iambic pentameter-ish feel in the first half.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Again, I love how you make the quote into music...this is a great way to add your voice into a blog about another person
sunmeeholmes

Behind the Bleachers: Trifecta - 4 views

  • freakish
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe a word with less negative associations would be more suitable?
  • Business is just one aspect of the complex sports world that has kept me so obsessed. I also feel that ethical issues in sports are very intriguing topics because ethics are constantly being challenged and violated - sometimes with little media attention, sometimes with too much.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe some way of combining these two sentences?
  • The steroid age will be over when you’re gone, Bud.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Nice... "steroid age" in quotations?
  • ...21 more annotations...
  • Although I enjoy a good demolition named after cheese as much as any other person
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Good aside.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      agreed, I like this sentence
  • He doesn’t always write about popular, media-friendly sports. He is not scared to go down all the way to the high school level. In his post titled
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Good rhythm.
  • does not
    • taylorcornelson
       
      doesn't
  • am hopeful that I can emulate Mark’s professionalism in my blog.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Perhaps some more imagery in this post would be helpful?
  • wait…a college basketball player?! As Joe notes, it must have gone down like this:
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Very engaging diction.
  • Ah, doesn't everyone love a good Star Wars reference? Joe’s use of imagery here is outstanding.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Great points.
  • Joe’s writing is great because he can
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Careful of the object in this sentence... you start talking about Joe's writing, not Joe himself. "Joe is a great writer because he can keep his voice..."
  • slam dunk home run knock out…you get the idea.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Great ending. Enjoyed reading!
  • I want to talk about the impact of sports that stretches beyond the box score. Basically, I will dive into the magical world behind the bleachers – the one we usually don’t hear about.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      I think you can combine these sentences...it's using two analogies to say the same thing
  • To some, success isn’t measured in wins and losses. It’s all business, right?
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      These sentences are a good intro to your voice.
  • I researched the intricacies of the Collective Bargaining Agreements, and I was hooked.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Hmm...you researched this before the age of ten? Props if you did cuz it sounds complicated, but if not, you might want to clarify.
  • An example of the type of issues I hope to discuss
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Skip the "hope to discuss" and be more straightforward. Something like, "my blog will discuss..."
  • I will try my best to make sure that this blog
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Again, be more straightforward. When you write things like "I hope" or "I'll try my best" you're making promises you don't think you'll keep.
  • wish to discuss
  • I do not know if Technorati has filtered out inactive blogs
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Wait, what does this have to do with getting the amount of comments he deserves?
  • he presents topics from both the collegiate and professional level
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      "he also presents topics from the professional level"--collegiate twice is repetitive
  • The blogger, whose name is posted simply as “Mark”, is an attorney working in private practice. He spends most of his time dealing with sports related matters. Mark began work on this blog on January 11th 2005 and has posted about 3-4 times per week since then. His style involves using mostly short, but very information-heavy posts. Some of his posts are simply links to articles related to sports business that he found interesting, but didn’t have time to discuss.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Need some more of your voice in here! I know it's hard because you're listing info about the blogger...maybe you can mention information throughout the post, instead of writing it all down together.
  • Mark discusses the recent agreement that the city of Irving, Texas made with Kraft Foods.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      try to combine this with the next sentence to make it flow better
  • One thing that I really appreciate about this blog is that it does not try to be anything other than what it is. Mark knows that there probably isn’t an overwhelming population that is interested in sports business, but he sticks to his content.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      This is nice! It shows WHY you're interested in his blog.
  • Joe, a former writer for Sports Illustrated, updates his blog nearly every day and enjoys quite a large following.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Ooh, this is a much better way to write the technical info about a blogger...try this on your blogger profile post!
  • His use of all capital letters at the end of the quoted section also demonstrates the passion and aggression that this post was crafted with.
    • sunmeeholmes
       
      Maybe add a transition? It feels like you just stuck this in at the end.
Lauren Goehner

Food Adventures: Trifecta - 0 views

  • Ever since 5 o’clock this afternoon, I have been trying to think of a way to introduce this blog. Since then, 5 hours have passed and my mind is still a blank. I really want to tell you about my culture, my love for eating, my culture’s love for eating, my culture’s love for uncommon foods, but I cannot formulate the words to do so.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      I love your honesty with the readers in this intro. Only suggestion - in the last sentence, maybe add an "and" : "..my culture's love for eating, AND my culture's love for uncommon foods..." to help it sound a bit more complete.
    • mkbusc
       
      let the reader know you tried figuring out what to talk about but maybe don't dwell on it as much
  • learn
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      did you mean to say "learned" ?
  • That is why I feel very fortunate to come from a Cantonese family because we eat many weird and unusual foods in our culture like field mice, crickets, and scorpions (well, that’s not on our daily menu). As Cantonese people put it, “as long as its back faces the sky then you can eat it”.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      I like the personal touch here and the background on your family. Also funny
  • ...2 more annotations...
  • Don't you like how he personifies the asparagus?
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      I like how you address the reader like you are actually talking face-to-face with them. Also good job summarizing the tone of the other blogger, and giving us your own insight into his blog
  • he variety of post topics, blogging from interesting highlights from his travels to introducing wonderful shops and restaurants in Paris and cooking up delicious desserts, is full of surprises
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      This sentence was a little confusing at first... maybe if you said something like: "His post topics, which can vary from decribing highlights from his travels, to introducing wonderful shops and restaurants in Paris, and how to cook up delicious desserts, are always full of surprises"
taylorcornelson

An Ethical Discourse Regarding the Nature of Diet: Trifecta - 1 views

  • have come across quite a few
    • taylorcornelson
       
      "have come across quite a few blogs.."?
  • tyle, witt
    • taylorcornelson
       
      replace , with - ?
  • This powerful example illustrates just how important the issue is to LaBossiere, and in turn how important the issue of factory farming should be to us as readers.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Great sentence.
  • ...16 more annotations...
  • writing is sort of looming
    • taylorcornelson
       
      I think making this sentence more assertive would help your point come across more clearly. "Because his writing style looms between ..."
  • hen I first reading
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Missed a word here, probably "started"
  • How money is scaring the meat market into the corner with a cleaver.  In a food/ethics blog.  In the words of the internet, lolzI'll definitely be reading more of his blog soon.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Love this, but maybe rephrasing would make it read more clearly? "How money is scaring the meat market into the corner with a cleaver. In a food/ethics blog. In the words of the internet, lolz. I'll definitely be reading more of his blog soon."
  • This week I’ve decided to do a sort of “tribute” bit about my newfound favorite blogger, “Wayne Yuen,” and his blog, “Piles of Philosophy.” 
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Finally, someone who understands proper punctuation in conjunction with quotation marks! Hurray! Nice job.
  • Whether you are a carnivore, omnivore, “demi-vegetarian,” vegetarian, vegan, or fruitarian, you will probably be intrigued with what he has to say.  
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Great sentence.
  • Well for starters Yuen
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe remove "well for starters"?
  • iledohsoclosetogether
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Fantastic.
  • nd it only gets worse
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Great use of italics
  • though
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Though, rather than thought.
  • The one that ran free looked like an animal, it had big legs, a smallish breast, and plenty of dark and white meat, while the run-of-the-mill supermarket turkey had the tiniest legs and hugest breast I have ever seen…there is NO WAY that thing could have ever stood up on its own. 
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Great use of imagery.
  • Long story short Wayne thinks it’s a was
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Great use of your own voice... very strong.
  • Om nom nom…
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Internet-realted diction is always appreciated.
  • Now, on to something completely different…
    • taylorcornelson
       
      The original quotation is, "and now for something completely different", or at least that's how it was in their film of the same title (I think).
  • ever increasing
    • taylorcornelson
       
      ever-increasing
  • Ethics in food is a particularly hairy subject, but to get started, here are a few sites that I found helpful and interesting on my quest for knowledge and to sort out my own opinions…
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Nice way to launch into this discussion.
  • Is this because we need harsher regulations? Or is someone slacking on the job
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe a bit more of a conclusion, stating how what you've just discussed might influence your blog in the future? Great voice work, though I think if you edited the first post a little to include more of your own voice (at least in the beginning) it would be stronger.
  •  
    Guac's first "paper"
taylorcornelson

Educational Problems among Different Ethnic Groups: Trifecta - 3 views

  • in USC
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      studying "at" USC
  • timing
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "time"
  • south
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "South"
  • ...28 more annotations...
  • off from
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "out of" high school
  • after several weeks later
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      don't need to say the "after" -- can just say "several weeks later", or "after several weeks"
  • After the incident, he told me that he will be working with his uncle and will no longer be attending school.
  • his father was found dead
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      intense -- good use of personal story to show your strong ties/connection to the subject you are writing about
  • Of course there are educational problems in Korea as well. But this time, it is not surrounding issues like low-income or harsh environment, because by government law, everyone must receive education in school no matter what happens; therefore, the majority of students do not need to pay the school fee unless they attend private schools
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      Sentence is a bit long...maybe make into two?
  • Different from America, where everyone deserves an opportunity, in Korea, students must be in the top lists to be successful, that is why Korea has a high rate of suicide among students.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      great information in this paragraph -- I, and I'm sure many readers, did not know a lot of this
  • from December
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "on" December 14?
  • He is a Korean and writes everything from Korean games, movies, education, politics, sports, social issues and more, but mostly complaining about them.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      Do you need to say "a" Korean? Maybe just "He is Korean?", and "writes about everything from.." instead of just "writes everything"
  • ethnical
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      ethnic
  • But I will not be like that. I mostly share similar opinions with Fermentation, but I have other thoughts that contradict with him
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      Good tone and assertiveness here -- I like that you establish that "you will not be like that"
  • this blog looks boring.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      haha, nice informality
    • morgan macbride
       
      i agree
  • The reason I fell in love with this blog is because of his writing methods. He uses amazing stories and analogies to refer to how an educational organization must be improved
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      great way of telling us why you chose this blog
  • exciting
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      "excited"
  • Now, it is my turn. This is just the beginning. Welcome to my world.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      I like this wrap up
  • And how all these different learning methods affect individual ways of thinking?
    • morgan macbride
       
      this intro is good but comes off a little bit like an informercial
  • t is an introduction.
    • morgan macbride
       
      maybe connect this sentence to the last with a semi colon.
  • surrounding problems
    • morgan macbride
       
      switch order, put "problems surrounding"
  • I realized that there are millions of blogs that relate to my topic: Education.
    • morgan macbride
       
      add a hook or something funny
  • I personally
    • morgan macbride
       
      "and personally, I agree with him"
  • cool things
    • morgan macbride
       
      I like the informal tone of your voice, its engaging
  • ust like other readers
    • morgan macbride
       
      "just like other readers, I had to nod my....."
  • Hey You! Yes, You! Please don’t go so soon.
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Do you think there's some other way of grabbing the reader's attention, rather than asking them not to leave? I think even starting with "Did you ever think..." would be a much more engaging introduction.
  • high school
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Central and South American high schools?
  • Additionally,
    • taylorcornelson
       
      I think if you remove this word the paragraph would be stronger.
  • statistics in “Their Cheating Hearts” by William Raspberry
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe a bit more of a conclusion to communicate with the reader?
  • Since I am writing about educational problems in different ethnical groups and comparing them to see why all these educational problems affect their entire economy, his thoughts and opinions are giving me a general sense of why people are not really “learning.”
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Rephrase to a more direct sentence? "His thoughts and opinions offer great insight as to why students in many schools aren't really "learning."
  • arguments
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Maybe refer to the author by name every once in a while?
  • schools and racing team
    • taylorcornelson
       
      Comment specifically how these techniques discussed above do what you say they do. (More specifics)
cdcrone

A Question of Improbabilities: TRIFECTA - 2 views

  • that are of an outlier nature.
    • cdcrone
       
      that are of an "outlaying" nature. (what you have sounds somewhat awkward)
  • journeys to the realm of the unknown
  • many other fascinating
    • cdcrone
       
      I love the last part of the sentance...it is kind of cheesy, but at the same time, makes me want to feel really excited!
  • ...14 more annotations...
  • Cornerstones of scientific theory.
    • cdcrone
       
      I really like how this short sentance is stuck in the middle of a bunch of longer ones...maybe more of this?
  • Maybe we can reach out and touch that void and come to acknowledge that we are, in fact, merely a speck on the surface of that which lies out there; a speck, friends, but a speck indeed
    • cdcrone
       
      Your strong ending sentance makes me want to read more! The melodrama juxtaposed against your subject matter
  • Similarly, she has a monthly “Sci-Fi Worthy Parasite” in which she discusses a species of parasite that possesses unusual qualities
    • cdcrone
       
      Awesome! :)
  • I can, however, offer a critical distance that I believe is necessary for some degree of objectivity
    • cdcrone
       
      Good job on pointing this out - many may feel that you are not as "trustworthy" by having a scientific blog but not being from a scientific background yourself. This is certainly a valid argument for why your blog is different, and also worth reading.
    • cdcrone
       
      You mention it in other places too, but feel free to play up your unique perspective on the issue. I feel like this could make you more credible to your readers as well as giving your blog a more personal feeling
  • it is quite apparent throughout his blog that he intends to remind you of this fact
    • cdcrone
       
      What do you think of this? Perhaps be more explict in what you want to take from his voice and what you would rather leave behind.
  • Second
  • . Second,
    • cdcrone
       
      Please, for the love of reading on a computer screen, but a paragraph break in here. :)
    • cdcrone
       
      Same goes for "Thirdly..." and "Lastly..." It makes it so much easier to read.
  • lack of diction that would indicate interest in dialogue.
    • cdcrone
       
      I love your description here. <3
  • It must be noted here,
    • cdcrone
       
      New paragraph please!
  • his is certainly to serve two purposes. One
    • cdcrone
       
      The period is a bit awkward here...it is breaking up your thought, but not in a good way. Maybe try a semicolon or colon; if you are feeling particularly spicy you could throw in a dash!
  • . Secondly, he
    • cdcrone
       
      Paragraph break please! (If you already have one in here, consider puting an actual space between the paragraphs)
  • Thirdly
    • cdcrone
       
      Paragraph break please. Also, you are using lots of lists (firstly, secondly, thirdly, etc.). Is there another way to convey this information without the list format? Too many lists tend to make the eyes wander to new and different tabs. In many of your lists, I feel like the numbered beginning words are somewhat unnecessary. Think of all the different types of bullet points you can choose from in Word...thought it may not be proper in an acadmic paper to continually switch up your numbered symbols, here it would help keep the paragraph flowing without the start-and-stop of numbers.
  • Jaffe is not an android
    • cdcrone
       
      Or is he? duh duh duhhh...
  • TRIFECTA
    • cdcrone
       
      Great job! Keep up the good work and research. Put more of your personal ancedotes in there too - we are reading your blog not only for information but also for entertainment!
Lauren Goehner

Sports Cereal: Trifecta - 1 views

  • It was wild.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      haha, I like your voice and use of shorter sentences. Good intro.
  • I decided that I should input my opinions on sports related issues and so I started this blog. I pride myself on trying to being fair. I still have my favorite sports teams and athletes that I root for, but I strive to be fair in my sports related analyses. I guess you'll agree or disagree based on my upcoming posts.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      nice way to tell us about what you will be blogging about, while giving insight into your personality and character
  • So let’s go over the credentials again: live in the second largest sports market; college student; and willing to admit things that might be painful. Alright, looks good.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      good voice
  • ...4 more annotations...
  • a sport I have loved since birth basically
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      maybe add the basically earlier -- "a sport I have basically loved since birth"
  • Basically, he doesn’t sound like he’s whining and that’s a good thing for the reader.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      good intro/summary about simmons - i like that you use your voice to talk about his
  • persona
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      maybe a new word for persona?
  • He finds the right balance.
    • Lauren Goehner
       
      good job reviewing his blog, but maybe include a couple sentences at the end about how it might influence your writing, or some way to kind of sum it up/conclude the post and wrap it up
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